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Nov. 20th, 2013

My rabbit Casper died last night. A fox got into the garden and managed to push the lid off the run, and got him. He was such a darling, such a sweet little boy, I am really going to miss him so much.

Milly, thankfully, was staying in the house last night as she was recently spayed and we need to keep an eye on her whilst she recovers. She is back at the vet now as she is not eating very well yet, so I don't even have her to cuddle right now. I took the day off work as I just feel I can't face a whole day of working after this. My mum also happens to be at home today, and I am glad that we are able to be together as she is finding this very hard. James will be coming over as soon as he has finished work, and we will bury Casper together.


I have not been on livejournal in weeks, so first and foremost:
Regardless of your beliefs, or lack thereof, I wish you all a joyful Sunday, for this is a time of love, life, and new beginnings.

I have been very busy recently; I passed an audition to be in a chamber opera society, and spent the last few months rehearsing heavily for Bizet's Carmen, for which I sang in the chorus. The performances ran for a period of six days, and the constant singing, acting and moving about on stage was exhausting, but it was absolutely wonderful as well. I am very used to singing in major choral works or church hymns/anthems so it was so different to be in an opera. Carmen got very good reviews and I felt happy to have been able to contribute my voice to the production.
Just for fun, here are a couple of pictures:
:)Collapse )
After that was all over, I went on holiday to France with James. He has a house there and we were hoping for a lovely relaxing few days in the countryside, but unfortunately got some sort of food poisoning and spent the last three days bed-ridden, only leaving the room to vomit. Horrible stuff! I'm back in England now and I'm able to keep food down, but am still quite weak. Forgetting the agonising stomach pain and projectile vomiting (sorry for tmi), I had a lovely time with James. He treats me so well and is so ridiculously kind and sweet. I honestly could not hope for a better boyfriend.


Getting a little worried about myself... I just collapsed in a sobbing mess because the dishwasher powder fell out of its compartment, and yesterday I punched a wall then self-harmed because the bus didn't turn up. Also I threatened to break up with James and had an episode of super heavy breathing/OCD-like twitchiness, because he touched me after I told him not to. I have not used self-harm as a coping mechanism in months, so it is probably time to begin practising DBT again. What a drag.
I have watched the first two episodes of the new programme 'My Mad Fat Diary.' The adverts for it looked utterly appalling - another stupid show about an annoying teenager trying to get laid, coupled with probably inaccurate and borderline offensive jokes about mental illness. It has however turned out to be very good, and I actually found the episodes to be fairly upsetting and triggering at times. The main character is fairly irritating and cliche in her typical television style 'I must have sex to be considered worthy by society' attitude, but is also so sad and real, and reminds me a little of my past self. I can completely relate to the feeling of having just left hospital, trying to cope with the outside world that is so incredibly different from the bubble-like closed off world of a psychiatric ward... hiding self injury marks; panic attacks, feeling repulsed by one's own body, trying to hold off binging...
I found that sort of thing triggering because I haven't felt any of those things in a long time, and it's a bit of a shock reminder of how similar I was to this girl. I have come very far in the past year; this time last year I was a complete mess. I feel so completely normal nowadays and I feel like I am living life, rather than just wading through it.

Jan. 13th, 2013

Everything is going very smoothly with James. We are probably currently in the 'honeymoon period' as they say; spending lots of time together, not wanting to leave, texting immediately upon getting home etc. All very nauseating stuff. I wish I could stay with him all the time. He is perfect for me, I think, and he makes me very happy.
I feel so guilty that I still have strong feelings for someone else. Are they real feelings, do you think? S and I have never shared any intimacy; our relationship has never got any further than the stage of mild friendship and I know I do not know him that well... Do you think these are real feelings or just a very strange and heavy infatuation? James and I are right for each other - that I know - but I cannot help occasionally slipping into fantasies about S. The only thing that makes this okay is that these unwanted and silly feelings do not cancel out anything that I feel for James at all, and it does not make the relationship any less important.

In other news, it is Day 13 into my journey of quitting smoking. I have not had ONE SINGLE cigarette since the New Year started. Go me!! I do not expect to never smoke again of course, but I'm so pleased for not having caved yet. I seriously want a cigarette now, which shows me just how much I needed to quit. :)

Dec. 24th, 2012

I played Mary in two nativity services held in our church today. It's mainly a children's service, and I didn't have to do much acting other than a couple of lines, sitting with a baby, and a duet with Joseph. The guy I played Joseph with is a choral scholar at Cambridge (and a very cute one at that...) so it was pleasant to be singing with him. We received a lot of praise, and we were clapped after our duet in the second service. In the history of these services being performed, no Mary/Joseph duet has ever been clapped before! Hooray :)

I am rather tired now and just want to go to bed, but I have to stay up for the Midnight Mass service. I'm sure I won't mind once it starts though, because beginning Christmas Day in the church surrounded by my wonderful friends; happy, tired and excited, just sounds perfect.

Merry Christmas to all of you on here, and I hope you have a wonderful day regardless of what it is you are doing. I hope you are enjoying your holidays and they are filled with love and happiness. Bless you all xxx

Nov. 15th, 2012

PCC elections are pointless and silly, amirite? A ridiculously small number of people are even bothering to vote, because no one really seems to understand the role that the commissioner would be playing, and the candidates haven't really campaigned enough to help the public. The candidates also mostly have little experience with the police force, and the party politics really have nothing to do with the role. I voted anyway because I felt it would be slightly hypocritical not to, considering the fact that I work for one of the parties.



After having gone through a lot of shit, Tom and I have put the past behind us. We apologised sincerely, forgave, and finally both feel no resentment towards each other at all. It feels very nice to be at peace with one another. He came home from university for the weekend and we met up with the intention of having 'a few drinks' and somehow ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine plus some vodka and lemonade... each. I was very nearly sick on the train. It was a lovely evening however, and we were both very happy to spend time with each other; our relationship now is entirely platonic which is wonderful.

I appear to be vaguely seeing a co-worker, although I am not sure if 'seeing' is the right term. We have kissed after drinks on a few occasions, and that seems to have extended now to when we are sober. I like him very much, but I am not sure what I want. He is very nice, and very clever (two qualities I find very attractive in men) but I do not know to what extent I am doing this to get over Choir Friend. Oh yes... choir Friend, he is still a prominent factor in my life. How unfortunate that I seem to have fallen in love with him. Life goes on...

Oct. 20th, 2012

I am singing a very difficult solo this evening, and my throat is sore and scratchy due to purging last night. I knew this would happen, but I still did it, because that is how important throwing up is to me. I am so angry at myself for letting this get in the way of my music once again; I jeopardised singing well in this concert just for what - digesting 200kcals or so fewer than I would have done, and going to sleep feeling a little more comfortable.

So... I am going to stop purging. I am just going to stop. I am so sick of this eating disorder coming before everything else in my life; I can say 'oh I only purge once a day and I don't need to, it's just a habit' until I'm blue in the face, but it's not true. I feel that I don't need to do it, only because I never try to stop myself anymore, and I forget that self-induced vomiting 'only' once a day is actually still quite a big problem. This is going to stop.

Oct. 10th, 2012

dkjhsfdkhsdhg FUCK OFF BULIMIA
My tooth just chipped AGAIN. I am holding little shards in my hand, and my tooth is now so sharp it's cutting my tongue. I'm not even purging that much at the moment - five times a week perhaps - and things have been okay, what with my gums not bleeding and my throat usually being in an acceptable state to sing. So why the chipping tooth!? :(

My weight is fairly stable at the moment. I am slightly overweight, but most of the time I do not mind too much. As I said, I have only been purging around five times a week, and other than that, my eating patterns are quite normal; I still have trouble with eating in front of certain people, but I am sure that will sort itself out at some point.